That, was a lie! – Tanveer Arora at the Institution Theater in Austin, TX

September 13, 2019 0 By Kody Olson


Tanveer Arora Wassup, everybody? How is everyone doing tonight, good? Oh, what happened? I wasn’t expecting this. How much were the tickets? 5 bucks? You couldn’t pay full price, to be there? How poor are you man? You sir! I know what you thinking Another Indian guy I am not going to understand s**t! Right? Paid 5 bucks for this show; 2 Indians You lost a dollar Yeah I’m good at math, I’m Indian!!! Alright, alright Hold it Aly, hold it, hold it So, I was talking to God, a few years back before I was born I wanted to go to Mars, but He wanted to send me to the stupid Earth He said, the initial few years would be a struggle, but then I’ll have a lot of fun! That, was a lie! Yeah, cause I’m almost 30 now and for religious reasons I don’t get to drink, I don’t get to smoke, and I’m a vegetarian.What? Yeah! and recently, I was diagnosed to be lactose intolerant so I’m almost a vegan now! and I suffer from motion sickness and and and and and…. on top of that, I’m married! So I think what God was talking about was this right here, this is the most fun I’m ever going to have in my life! Oh by the way, I’m also a very possessive person I’m very possessive about my DVDs and shit like that… I think, that is why I suffer from constipation! Ya, on an average it takes about 3 secs to digest that joke, so…. I got to be very honest with you guys this is my first time performing ever, so I’m a little nervous, you know but I am not really nervous about this act as such I’m just nervous and scared of not succeeding in life at all cause I read great success stories of great people like Tom Hanks Woody Allen Steve Jobs Bill Gates all of them, college dropouts! Louis CK, the famous comedian didn’t even go to college, because he was so terrible at school and me? I was awesome at school! I aced in college I even cleared my Masters with a solid 4.0 GPA So think of it, think of it I’m like the total opposite of these guys which makes me think I’m never going to succeed in life! and all these years, my parents kept telling me study hard, work hard and you will succeed That, was a lie! cause they never nagged my brother about it, you know and he was terrible at school but now, he is a big stock analyst in India and as a kid, I used to visit my grandparents a lot and, as a kid, I was really cute believe me, I was! so every time my grandparents used to see me they used to be like, aaw, such a cute kid he will definitely grow up to be a handsome man Now, That, as you can all see, was a lie! So when I turned 18, my friends introduced me to porn they said, dude! This is what s*x is all about That was a f**king lie! cause real s*x is not even close to the free version of porn and then, when I turned 24 and I was about to get married the same friends came up to me and they were like dude! now you can have s*x whenever you want That, was a lie! I don’t get to have s*x whenever I want I get to have whenever she wants Being married almost 5 years now I can summarize my whole marriage in just 2 words Restaurants and Malls So the other weekend we went to a restaurant on a Saturday night and not just any restaurant a fine dining restaurant cause its fun to get ripped off once in a while, right? then on sunday, we went to a mall and my wife was like, babe I just need like 15 minutes to find a yellow top Thatwas a lie! Exactly, that was a lie what she really wanted to say was I need to find the exact, f**king, perfect shade of yellow and that can take up to 5 hours! She also bought a bubble bath solution from the mall and insisted we take a bath togetherooooo So we did, we took a bath together but the idea of a bubble bath kinda grosses me out, you know cause you sit in a bath tub with water, with your own dirt How do you ensure it’s not sticking back to you? and how do you ensure you are not exchanging germs with your partner? cause if that’s the whole agenda, why not just have s*x, right? and then came Monday! and I hate, hate Mondays! Don’t we all? We hate mondays and I just don’t hate Mondays for it being a monday I hate Mondays because I fear the MMCCs You guys don’t know about MMCCs, do you? No? Monday Morning Crappy Conversations How was your weekend? What did you do? You f**king know that I am married what did I do? I went to a mall and ate at a restaurant that’s what I did that’s what I do every Weekeeeeeeend! #mmccs #mmccs #mmccs Speaking of being married, has any of you visited a website called deathclock.com? for those who don’t know, it’s a neat little website you just fill in a questionnaire and the website predicts when you will die! Interestingly, as per the website I am not really supposed to be here right now! So you see all my life I was lied to first my grandparents, then my parents, then my friends, then my wife even the Internet lied to me! But, you know what, I am not going to let that change me I have always been honest, I’ve always told the truth and I will continue to do so. What the f**k, That, was a lie!