Jeanine Pirro Is an American Institution – The Opposition w/ Jordan Klepper

Jeanine Pirro Is an American Institution – The Opposition w/ Jordan Klepper

December 2, 2019 100 By Kody Olson


Do you want sound legal advice but aren’t near a billboard? Well, there’s only one place
to turn: Fox News’ Justice
with Judge Jeanine. Now, this show is hosted
by Jeanine Pirro, a former prosecutor, judge, and the last person you want
to spill red wine on. No namby-pamby, bleeding heart, left-wing, socialist,
political whore. And it’s possible
martians were in that room peeing on the prostitutes, too. You lost, he won. Karma’s a bitch. Sorry, Ma. Whoo-wee! I’ll tell you, Judge Jeanine. Like they say,
a little goes all the way. Her show is 60 minutes
of legal wisdom smothered in a generous layer
of rage. It’s can’t-miss. But sometimes I miss it. It airs on Saturdays, which is when
my one-man neighborhood watch goes on patrol. I started it after the regular
neighborhood watch kicked me out over the shark blood incident.
(chuckles) Bunch of pussies. Now, luckily, we have
citizen lawyer Laura Grey to keep us updated
on all things Jeanine. -Laura Grey, everybody. -Thank
you. -(cheering and applause) -Yeah.
-Thank you, Jordan. Judge Jeanine
is an American institution. She’s like baseball,
if the entire game was just screaming at the umpire
to arrest Hillary Clinton. This week, she went all in
on former FBI director, James Comey,
and his soft-core fantasy novel about Donald Trump. Listen to this heat. Jim, it’s so obvious. You’re fired, and you’re mad. You’re a liar,
and you’re a leaker. You’re pompous.
You’re egotistical. You’re condescending. You’re cocky.
You’re awkwardly tall. You’re a bad tipper. You think The Wire season five was better than season four. You’re a monster, James Comey! And Judge Jeanine gets that. Yes! Yes! Now that’s, that’s the
sound of reasonable discourse turned all the way up to 12. Oh, yeah.
It’s the future of news, Jordan. And it makes me feel powerful, like when I go
to the mall food court to watch teenage couples fight. Now, Judge Jeanine
is an intellectual bulldog. She bites down on an idea
and doesn’t let go until she’s shot
with a blow dart. Which, coincidentally, is how her producer ends
her show every week. But that doesn’t mean
she’s not sophisticated. See if you can pick up
on some of the elevated language she used this weekend. Jim, you hoisted yourself
on your own petard. Don’t you love it
when arrogant egomaniacs are hoisted
on their own petards? FBI Director James Comey and
Deputy Director Andrew McCabe now know the pain
of those petards. (laughter) Did you catch it? Petard. Now, I know
what you’re all thinking: “I know
exactly what ‘petard’ means.” Me, too. It’s a French grenade
from the 16th century– you know, back when
the French military “did stuff.” What she means here is that Comey is accidentally
undermining himself, getting blown apart
by his own bomb, something Jeanine would never do because she’s too busy going
for the jugular– or, as I call them, neck balls. Jim, you’ve done more damage
to the FBI as an institution than J. Edgar Hoover. The only difference
between you and J. Edgar is that he wore dresses. And even if you wanted to, you probably couldn’t get one
to fit you at six feet, eight inches. Yeah! Good luck shopping at Talbots petites,
you too-tall weirdo! (laughter) Judge Jeanine is a fighter. She knows
you sting like a butterfly, and also, sting like a bee. And she’s been covering Comey
for years with total consistency. Like, here’s how she talked about Lying, Leaking, Crusty
Comey back in December 2015. There is a hero in Washington. His name: Jim Comey. He is not only brilliant. He is honest, hard-working, and he comes from a long line
of law enforcement. Politics plays no role
in his decisions. He’s in it
for all the right reasons. -Uh…
-Yes. -Wait. Uh… Laura.
-Yes. -(applause) -Right? Right?
-I got… I got to… -She knows.
-No, no, I got to say. -She knows.
-I got to say -that, actually…
-What? What? That seems pretty…
inconsistent. -(scoffs, mutters)
-Okay. Okay, only in the ideas. The intensity is the same. And intensity is the only thing
that matters. Judge Jeanine knows petards,
because she is one. (laughter) She explodes with equal
destruction in every direction. Every Saturday night,
she’s hoisting America. And nothing can stop her
from doing what she feels, which in this case,
is saying, “Hey, Comey, you look like shit
in a ball gown, -you stretched out choir boy!”
-KLEPPER: Yeah. Consider me hoisted.
Laura Grey, everyone.