Clash-A-Rama: Lost in Donation (Clash of Clans)

Clash-A-Rama: Lost in Donation (Clash of Clans)

October 6, 2019 100 By Kody Olson


Out of bed, maggots!
If you want to sleep, go be a Builder! I got up earlier than you.
I didn’t want to embarrass you. – Are we doing brunch after this?
– I think I slept on an arrow. Fire! No offense, but you’re terrible.
I’ll show you how it’s done. Yes! – That’s just annoying!
Queen’s pet! What does it mean? – Do you get it?
– I don’t. So much for teamwork. – You! What’s your name, Archer?
– Jenny, ma’am. I’ve never seen such
selfish behavior on the training field. I need an army to win battles, not a hotshot maverick! With all due respect, you just hang back,
shouting orders and lobbing arrows with your fancy crossbow,
while troops like me get our hands dirty. Is that so? How’s this for an order? Fall in line or I’ll make sure
you spend the rest of your career scrubbing my slab with a toothbrush! That’s not what a toothbrush is for.
It’s in the name. “Tooth”! A LEVEL 7 GRILL
WITH LEVEL 5 PRICES Who does Jenny think she is? If I ever spoke to a superior that way,
I’d have been turned into hog slop! So, what if Jenny is a little arrogant? The best troops usually are! Sir! Lady sir! Intel just got word about BaconBreakers, a village that hasn’t emptied
their Gold or Elixir Storages in months! It’s all just sitting there. Achin’ for the bacon takin’! Tonight, our village grows richer! Sound the battle horn! Battle horn! Battle horn! Battle… Battle horn! Okay, ladies. BaconBreakers
is heavily defended, but the riches inside
are worth the fight! So, just remember your training
and follow my… Jenny, what are you doing? Get back here at once! That’s an order! I LOVE WINNING All clear, troops! Attack! You disobeyed orders.
You put yourself and others in danger… And… I kicked some major butt! So, unless you have a point,
I’m going to get some rest. Some of us are exhausted
from actually fighting. The yeas have it. This Clan hereby recognizes
that only donating Poison Spells… is officially lame! I like Poison Spells! May I? Now, the next order of business: Inka, from the village of KittenLover5, requests the donation
of two Barbarians, a Giant… and a P.E.K.K.A. I will donate the Barbs and Giant, but, instead of a P.E.K.K.A… Save your breath, I need a P.E.K.K.A. I’ll donate… Jenny the Archer! – Jenny!
– Why is she giving her away? I have no use for reckless lone wolves. Very well then! Jenny… will hereby be donated
to the village of KittenLover5. May I again? You just gave up your star troop. No backsies, you have to
fulfill your donation or your village
gets kicked out of the Clan. It’s a deal. The troops and Jenny the Archer will be delivered
to KittenLover5 post-haste. You can fix it. You’re a Builder. You’re nothing without me! Okay? Kiss this bow goodbye! DONATION TRAIN You’re only supposed
to have one carry-on. – I have what I have.
– Okay, okay. I was told I can only have one. That’s not easy for me. I mean, just one of my giant shirts is… If anyone should be allowed
an extra piece of carry-on, it should be a Giant.
Not asking for special treatment. Just what’s fair.
And in this case, special is fair. If that sounds bad, sorry.
It’s the truth. Outlaws! We’re under attack! Train robbers! Mush, you bone-heads! Mush! Slow down, so we can attack you. Put your hands and bones in the air! Rope the big one first. I’m telling you.
This feels like a weight has been lifted. Urgent news. We just got a message from KittenLover5. They never received Jenny. – Huh?
– What? They’ll kick us out of the Clan. We’ll never survive
out in the cold Clan-less world. Could I take a steam with you guys
to deal with this horrible news? – No!
– Come on! I already have my shirt off. Where am I?
What do you want? For now, I just want you to listen. Do you want to know how I got this scar? Not really. That’s kind of gross. I got it from this. Ow! Your arrow. It hit me right in the face. Wrong. If it hits you right in the face, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Would you just…
You’re very annoying, you know that? Well, you are. You’re the reason us BaconBreakers
are so low on troops that our village
has resorted to robbing donation trains. I had to turn all our Hog Riders
into Hog Rider outlaws. He gave us all bandanas! So what?
Am I like a prisoner now? A prisoner? Oh heavens, no.
We are outlaws, not monsters. Well, mostly. Those guys are monsters. We sent a ransom note to your old village demanding a reasonable ransom
for your safe return. – One billion Gold?
– Is that even a real number? – Are you sure it’s not a misprint?
– Yes, sir. Billion with a B like in Barbarian
or in the letter B. What can we do? We can’t afford to pay Jenny’s ransom and we certainly can’t take her back
by force because, well… Because we’re ironically
too weak without her. My point is, if we don’t find a way
to donate that stupid Archer this village will be banished
by the clan. We’ll be clanished! Nobody is getting clanished. We’ll just explain the situation
and reason with them, like mature adults. Oh, I can’t wait to see
how this affects me, the protagonist of my reality. Order, order! This emergency meeting
has been called by Sophia. I would never call an emergency meeting unless the circumstances
were extremely dire, and I’m afraid they are. Yeah, they’re dire. I still haven’t received
your donation of Jenny the Archer. I want my Archer. Order! Oh. Well I’m afraid I have
some very terrible news. Jenny the Archer while on her way
to her new home was kidnapped. Yeah, I’ll bet she was.
Kidnapped by you, maybe! That doesn’t even make sense. I’m here because someone took Jenny,
meaning I don’t have her. Meaning I can’t honor the donation
we agreed to. Okay, time for plan B.
I got this. It’s true, dear Clan.
While we may not have Jenny, we do have the next best thing
to donate to you. Forty Goblins! I don’t want forty Goblins.
Nobody wants forty Goblins! Order! Alright, you two. Enough with the Goblin dancing
and obfuscation. Yeah, I used the word “obfuscation”.
Okay. Get over it. You have 24 hours to honor your donation
or you’re out of the Clan. Settling in, I see? No offense, but your Archers
couldn’t hit the broad side of a Golem. Who does she think she is? No, now Jenny, perhaps instead of
insulting them you could help them. That would be a waste of all our time. What? I see. Well, unless your village
coughs up a billion in Gold, this is your new home. So… Speaking of which, this place is a dump. Here’s a list of things
you need to upgrade. This village was a beautiful
thriving community until someone brutally It wasn’t “someone”,
it was me. I want the credit Forty Goblins?! What were you thinking? We’re struggling
just to find them places to sleep. Also petty theft is up 6000%.
That’s more than twice as much! Okay, I’m feeling
a bit attacked right now. Well, I’m not going to
take this sitting down. I think it’s time I paid
BaconBreaker’s village a little visit. You really think you can talk them
out of 1 billion gold? – Good luck.
– Oh, I don’t need luck. I’m a master negotiator. Do you like Goblins?
Everyone likes Goblins, right? I will give you 39 Goblins
for that Archer. I’m even willing to go to 40.
How can you turn down a deal like that? Like this: Ha ha ha! No. Fine. You leave me no choice. I’ll just have to send my army
and then take her by force! Ha! Your best troop fights for me now! We’d make mincemeat out of you
and your pitiful army. You know what? You don’t deserve
a troop as good as Jenny. What did I do to deserve this? Hey! What did I do to deserve this. You could have had a great life here. but you just couldn’t stop
being a pain in my Clash. So now you’re going to sit here until
your ransom comes in. Great. Now I’m going to die
alone in a dungeon, just like that guy. – I’m not dead.
– Ah! Easy there, Scream Queen.
I was just meditating. – The name’s Sigmund.
– Jenny. What are you in for? Ha! What am I not in for, am I right? Ha ha ha! No, but seriously,
I’m a monster. You look like a good kid.
How did you end up here? I guess it all really started
when I was small. I never had anyone growing up, you see? So I guess I’ve just always wanted
to be a part of something. I always wanted to be… wanted.
I feel so hollow. No offense, I think hollow
looks good on you. Me, not so much. – What’s up with the Goblins?
– Oh, they’re doing great. They’re forgetting just
a little bit that they’re… Goblins! And not Miners!
Or other troops! I’ve got problems, too. I work as hard as I can.
I go above and beyond. I dedicate every waking moment
to being the best. And look where it’s gotten me. Well, them’s the brakes. By tomorrow morning,
we’ll be a village without a Clan. I don’t want to say
this was all your fault. So… Goodnight. Gunther, you’re right.
This was all my fault. So, I’m going to fix everything. How exactly do you plan on doing that? We only have a few hours left
to honor our donation to KittenLover5 and there’s no way
we can afford Jenny’s ransom. I’m telling you the same thing
I said on our first date. This all ends tonight. It better. I still have them
to contend with. They keep trying to be what they’re not. You’re right, Sigmund. I’ve brought this all on myself. There’s no “I” in success. But there are two “I”s in “victorious”. I can be twice the warrior I am today,
if I start putting the good of the many before the good, of the… me. I think you, just made a
breakthrough here, Jenny. And one breakthrough deserves another. Now go, be the new you.
Just crawl through here. Why haven’t you escaped. Simple, because I haven’t finished
paying my debt to society yet. Also, I just love helping people. My next client has a career ruining
case of the yips. Since I stupidly
gave Jenny the Archer away. I’ll just have to stupidly
get Jenny the Archer back. Okay, old lady.
Let’s see if you still got it. Okay, my conditioning
may need a little work. Do you ever wonder if other villages
think we’re the bad guys? No, I never wonder that. Not even once. Intruder! Intruder… Sweet dreams, magic man. Hey there, fellas! Deal me in? Dig this, dirtbags! Let’s cancel next week. Okay? Ouch. Okay, now where is that little… Queen Sophia? What are you doing here? I came to break you out. Do you have any idea
how much trouble you got me in by getting yourself kidnapped? Now, come on.
We don’t have much time. First of all,
I don’t need your help… Okay? Second, I wouldn’t have even been
kidnapped if you hadn’t donated me! Yeah, well I wouldn’t have donated you
if you weren’t such an arrogant brat! You only think I’m an arrogant brat
because you’re a washed-up old grump! I’ll show you washed-up! Huh? What the spell…? You have done nothing
but cause me problems since day one! Yeah, well I feel like I’ve had nothing
but problems since day one! What are you talking about? What are you talking about? – I just want to be the best!
– I just want to be the best! – That’s why I go above and and beyond…
– That’s why I go above and and beyond… I know you do, Jenny. And I owe you an apology. Because I now realize
I tried to make you like everyone else. That’s the worst thing I could’ve done
with a raw talent like yours. I’m determined to
do things right from now on, though. What do you say
we get out of here and go back home? Home? Yeah, our home. Very heartwarming. But I’m afraid that you two
aren’t going anywhere, because… Well, you know why. Attack! Please, we’re just nerdy scientists! Our only enemy is ignorance! Ah crap, that’s my best walking leg! Okay, I quit, I quit. How about I give Jenny back
and also make dinner for your whole Clan? My pasta fra diavolo is to die for. Pathetic. Wait, you didn’t let me
describe the dessert course! It’s delicious! – Nice shot.
– I know. Thanks for your help. Right back at you. That was some pretty good teamwork. Wait, won’t our village get kicked out
if you don’t donate me? This is true. Unless we trade them something else. Yes! Those! Finally! My Archer donation. Yes, sorry for the delay.
But I wanted to offer you a better deal. What could be better than
the best Archer from your Village? How about forty Goblins? No! I still don’t want your Goblins! You don’t want my old Goblins.
But now you’d be trading up. They’re like half Goblin, half Minion.
They’re like… Gob-lins!
Gob-lions? Yes, but if you don’t want them,
I’m happy to keep them, so… No, I’ll take them! My village will rule the skies! That’s right.
I’m just glad you’re on our side. – We’d better get out of here fast.
– Why? Gunther said
the wing glue will hold for five days. No, five minutes. Run! This one keeps whispering in my ear! No, I don’t want to be your friend!