BJP, Gaumutra and College – Stand up Comedy by Mohit Arora – LIMEWIT Live

October 10, 2019 0 By Kody Olson


Achha, waise, BJP supporter kaun kaun hai? BJP supporter, Aap ho? Aur koi? Aap? Aap? G**ND MARALO Abhi abhi, aa raha tha na Toh maine na ek gaadi dekhi Gaadi ka naam tha SCODA LAURA Toh, maine kaha Iske drivers kitne lucky hote honge yaar Malkin ko kahin jaana hota hai, driver ko kehti hongi ‘Driver LAURA nikalo’ But, main kabhi kabhi yeh sochta hu Yaar yeh naam kisne rakhe honge yaar Kitna weird naam hai yaar Socho tum showroom me jaa rahe ho Sir kya lena hai? Sir Laura lena hai sir Bachhe zid kar rahe hain “Papa aaj Laura pe baith ke jayenge” Biwi bhi khe rahi hai chalo lelo na app bhi jaldi se so jao to “Woh Laura nahi hai yeh” Achha waise BJP supporter kaun kaun hai? BJP supporter, Aap ho? BC inko seaten kaise mil jaati hai? Achha, Sir aap hain? Aur koi? Aap hain, Aap? G**ND mara lo! Sorry! But aaj kal kya hai na yaar Unhone 5 saal me Dekho agar 5 saal me agar kisi insaan ki value badhi hai na Toh voh Gaay hai Insaan bolna padta hai Pichli baar maine jaanwar bol dia tha Ek chutiya khada ho gaya audience me “Bhai Gaay humari maata hoti hai” Maata ko jaanwar bolega kya? Maine kaha “Meri shakal milti h meri maa se Teri Gaay se milti hai kya?” Maine kaha aise toh Gandhi ji humare papa hote hai Toh petrol ke paise thode maang lega unse? But kya kare ab value badha di unhone Gaay ki itni jyada Ab aisa hai na yaar dekho Ab na unhone na aisi situation bana di hai na Ki koi bhi dikkat hai na Tum gaumutra piyo, tum thik ho jaoge Toh aise hi, maine socha chal manga lete hain Gaumutra jitne ka bhi hai To main order karne laga Toh usme aa raha hai “85 Rupees ka 500 ml”. BC 50 Rupaye me to 1 litre dudh aa jata hai Aur dudh me protein hota hai yaar Kabhi tumne suna hai ,do maayen baat kar rahi hain Pehle mera bachha badh nahi raha tha Jab se Gaumutra piya hai Kya hi badh raha hai woh Aisa nahi hota na yaar Protein toh dudh me hi hota hai Tabhi to gaay apne bachhe ko dudh pilati hai Nahi toh gaumutra pila rahi hoti Ab sochne wali baat hai Abhi na ek na BJP ki leader hai Unhone na abhi abhi kaha Pehle na mujhe Cancer tha Phir maine Gaumutra piya Phir maine gobar me, nahi gober me nahi Dahi me na gobar mila kar khaya Aur main thik ho gayi Unhone toh bol diya Doctor ki g**nd phat gayi Arre BC hum to chemotherapy de rahe the Yeh toh saale mut se hi thik hue jaa rahe hain Toh abhi abhi na maine school paas kiya Aur school ke time na aisa hota hai na ki Tum na bohot jyada desperate hote nahi ho Par aisa seek hota hai ki tum bohot desperate ho Mere ko bhi na aise hi log Main hu nahi Main hu nahi desperate But logo ko lagta tha ki main desperate hu Thik hai, kyuke ek baar na ek ladki mujhse baat kar rahi Toh maine usse pucha tumhe kaisa boyfriend chahiye? Toh kehti “Jo mujhe pyaar de, time de, love de, respect de, appreciation de” Maine kaha haan Toh kehti tumhe kaisi girlfriend chahiye? Maine kaha ” Jo mujhe de” Short and Simple Kehti “Bohot harami ho tum” D**k nahi dil bada kar Maine kaha “Dil nahi ghusega” Haan to main school ki baat kar raha tha Toh maine na abhi abhi school pass kia hai Aur school na kya hai na Bachhe bade ba**hod hote hain Par aise nahi hai dekho ek baar kya hua Teacher bhi bade bakchod hote hain yaar. Matlab, aisa kisine rule banaya hai ki Ki bathroom jaoge to puch ke jaoge Aise tum kabhi ghar pe mummy papa se puch ke jaate ho? Seedha chale jaate ho na ki susu aa rahi thi yaar meko Toh fir aise na main khada hua To na maine na ma’am se kaha Ma’am may I go to washroom? Kehti “No” Maine kaha par aa rahi hai Kehti “pichle period me kyon nahi gaye?” Maine kaha pichle period me nahi aa rahi thi Tum pure din ka subah moot leti ho Toh woh boli “Call your parents”. Toh mera moot nikal gaya Par na B.tech ke baare me na bohot afwaahe hain yaar Bohot afwaahe hain Jaise na main college dhund raha tha na Toh mera dost aaya mere paas Kehta ” beta college ki tension mat le” Maine kaha kyun keh raha hai B.tech hai na ek process hai Evolve hoga tu Aur kaafi evolve hua hu main Ab main apna gaanja khud bana leta hu Chaar cigarette phoonk leta hu ek saath Papa ne us din bottle kholi Keh rahe “Gaayab” Maine kaha Magic Mujhe kabhi zindagi me pyar mila nahi hai Thik hai Toh mujhe pyar milta hai to main tum logo ki tarah pagal nahi hota hu Main bawla ho jata hu ekdum Toh kya hua na Usne na Woh bhi mujhse bahut pyar karti thi Sachhi me Toh usne kya kia Usne mera naam apni mehndi me likhwa liya Toh main toh pagal banda hu Maine jaakar uske naam ka permanent tattoo karwa liya Maine yaha pe Neha likhwaya Ek hafte baad mera breakup ho gaya Uski to mehandi mit gayi BC Aur yeh pehla bhi nahi hai Main paanch aur banwa chuka hu Ab main shirt kholta hu na Toh aisa lagta hai ladies college Ki attendence le raha hu Tum logo ko hassi aa rahi hai Mere toh lage pade hain Main kisi se na intimate nahi ho pa raha Us din ek ladki ne kaha “Chalo, let’s make out” Maine kaha thik hai Toh woh aayi Usne mere shirt ke button khole Maine kaha Yahan se nahi Maine kaha Niche se shuru karenge Toh usne bola ” Tum toh bohot harami ho” “Dick nahi dil bada karo” Maine kaha Dil nahi ghusega